Because of that
other thing I do, I've been to the cinema quite a lot recently. This means that I've seen the same anti-piracy toss over and over again. I'm so sick of it. The thing that annoys me about it all is the way they are going about it. I'm a big fan of films and the cinema experience and have been since I was a child. I always get a little stab of excitement every time the lights go down or I see the film's BBFC certificate. I want cinemas to still be around so my poor kids can be dragged to see the latest releases.
I'm no expert on this subject and am probably the furthest you can get away from being an industry analyst. I'm a guy who watches a lot of films. That's it. Having said that, I have to wonder- if I can see these gaping holes in their modus operandi, why the hell can't the people who are being specifically paid to do just that? I'm open to there being certain industry elements that I'm not aware of, but even then I doubt there are enough reasons to discredit my entire argument.
Here are a few simple things that need to be addressed:
1)
Don't act like the public are to blame (even though they kind of are)
Yes, many people pirate films, however, it is an
industry problem. Whining to the very audience you're trying to keep is not the way to go about limiting piracy. I saw an anti-piracy ad in front of
Puss in Boots that made me want to vomit. It was done by Aardman using the models from their upcoming film
The Pirates! Band of Misfits. In it, we see the main pirates coming up upon a caged pirate who explains he's there because of film piracy. It contains less-than-subtle lines like "Not only is the picture blurry and the sound rubbish, it's totally illegal". Whoever thought this up deserves to be disemboweled. Who is this for exactly? Not for the kiddies as I'm certain children don't give a shit where what they watch comes from. Plus, what self-respecting adult is going to listen to what some plasticine pirates have to say? It's mental.
In fact, stop all these adverts altogether. At the moment, there's a shit one for findanyfilm.com,which dashes any credibility I may have given it by saying
Happy Feet 2 contains "moments worth paying for". Imagine having any other product with that as a slogan! It'd strike you as weird if you were in the supermarket and saw a little poster that said: "Oranges: Worth Buying".
I also came across this laughably unsubtle video. It's admittedly fairly well made and has the always great John Hurt narrating, but I hate the sentiment behind it:
My personal favourite part is the sad, slow-motion shot of the shitty folding seat folding for perhaps the last time and creating a cloud of dust as it finally closes. This is manipulative drivel of the highest order. To be honest I don't understand why more people aren't refusing to put up with this shit. I would rise up and start creating trouble for the establishment, but I'm just one easily taserable man. But fuck, someone needs to set some cars on fire or something. Let these people know that we don't pay the exorbitant prices to go to the cinema to be called criminals, or be treated like infants.
2. Make the cinema experience actually worth paying for.
Without any hyperbole, I would say 70% of my trips to the cinema are marred by members of the public. The annoying thing is that, like a virus, they're evolving new and interesting ways to stick around. It be anything from texting (most phones these days have a screen bright enough to take your eyeballs out, doubly noticeable in the dark), to getting all shitty about allocated seats. I don't like confrontations. If I can let something slide, I usually will and have done in cases where someone is sitting in my allocated seat. I hate being the person to say "excuse me, I think you're in my seat." because usually my ever-so-polite tone is met with gruff belligerence. Mothers with kids are the worst. There, I said it.
What we need are more ushers. People who actually show you to your seat. There are some about, but there should be some in every screening. Yes, it may be slightly patronising, but if you've proven you can't follow a simple letter and number combination, then maybe you need to be treated like a child. It saves hassle in the long run, it really does. Keeping the public in line, or at least re-educating them to respect the cinema is key in my opinion.
Also, make the cinema cheaper. It's a simple one, but it costs the best part of a tenner to go and see a film these days. Knock all this 3D bullshit on the head and simply make it more affordable to go to the cinema. With the millions upon millions the film industry estimates it loses to online piracy, surely they can see the benefit of charging less to see films? Cinemas can still charge the ridiculous amounts for watered-down Coke or crotch-warmed popcorn if they want (apparently that's where they make their money, rather than box office takings), but wouldn't it cost less in the long run to pass the savings onto Joe Public? A father with his two kids can probably expect to pay around £30 for a trip to see the latest CGI 3D kiddie film. I think that's actually rather disgusting, especially considering the economic climate.
3. Get with the times, granddad.
I know that if I felt the urge, I could legally download an episode of say, The Big Bang Theory, to my phone right now and be watching it in a minute or two, tops. I won't because a) I don't want to strain my eyes and b) I haven't had the necessary lobotomy to find that show even remotely amusing. The point is, I could. Why aren't new releases up for download when they're released in cinemas? Why aren't we given the choice as to how and when we can watch these films? Certain films such as Michael Winterbottom's The Road to Guantanamo and several low-budget British films like 2008's Mum and Dad have taken the simultaneous release route and released the film in cinemas, on DVD and on the Internet at the same time. That's all well and good for the indie market, but I would love to see what would happen if Michael Bay did the same thing with his latest noisefest. It would be a very worthwhile experiment.
Certain critics have spoken out against this idea, such as "filmmaker" (I can't put enough inverted commas around that word, so I won't even try) M. Night Shyamalan, have said that this would take away from cinema attendance. Quoth Mr. Twisty: "When I sit
down next to you in a movie theatre, we get to share each other's point
of view. We become part of a collective soul. That's the magic in the
movies." This argument doesn't hold water with me. I believe there is a kind of magic in films, but it comes from story and characters, not from wrestling for armrest space with a nose-breathing, sweaty gorilla-man from Bolton.
Here's the thing as well. If you shorten the window between theatrical and home video release, you're cutting the window for piracy too. It's the industry's fault, really. They spend millions marketing the shit out of a film, create a desire for it and wonder why so many people end up pirating it. Then they spend additional millions 5 months later to tell everyone that the film is out on DVD. Surely one big marketing campaign telling people they could watch it in HD when they got home if they so wished would be more cost-effective?
Being the self-entitled little shits that we are, we feel we deserve the best. Many of us do not have a cinema set-up in our homes. The cinema will always be the best place to watch films. Consider the fact that Hollywood is more sequel-happy than ever nowadays. Everything's a fucking franchise. If I (legally) downloaded the (sadly fictional) GunsDeathKill on my crappy little laptop and loved it, you could guarantee I'd be one of the first in the cinema line for GunsDeathKill 2: Naked Tits. I'm sure a lot of people would do something similar. Plus, it'd have the fantastic bonus of only having people who really wanted to see it make up the general audience, reducing the texting cretins significantly.
People are used to choice and having things instantly at the touch of a button. To rigidly stick to old ways of operation could be cinema's downfall.
There will always be people who would rather steal something than pay for it. It's just one of those things. If the cinema experience is improved and people are given more choice, the film industry could actually start fighting this without pissing on the very people who are willing to give them money.
I'm aware addressing the entire film industry in a crappy little blog could be seen as arrogant, or even deluded. This is like therapy to me. I'm very aware I'm a tiny fish in an ocean of uncaring seacreatures, but that doesn't matter to me. I just hope that 3000 years in the future, when fragments of the Internet are found by the noble Frungulons of Glarganax 9, that they'll maybe see that if only humanity had listened to Benjamin Browne, they wouldn't have lost all semblance of art as they know it. I can only hope.
